11.01.2005
Those of you familiar with my previous blog may remember "A Tale of Two Playgroups" and other posts about the group of women I was friends with. You may have also noticed the distinct lack of mention of frienships in this blog.
It's because I don't have any.
Last October, I joined a playgroup, ostensibly to have other children for Cave Baby to play with, but more likely for me to have other stay at home moms to hang with. Quickly, I fell in with the organizer of the group and suddenly I was the "cool girl", the one to invite to all the parties, the one to impress, and my clique of friends was the one to be in. It was all very high school, but I liked that because this time around, I was popular and well liked, the opposite of my youth where I was one of the unpopular drama geeks.
In February, there was an anguishing and drama filled falling out and I left the playgroup amid tears and accusations of disloyalty and treasonous activities with another playgroup. (ok, stop laughing, I KNOW we were all supposed to be mature mothers here) It didn't bother me, I was already in with another cool group of friends.
Again, in August there was another harrowing week or so of crying and screaming accusations. The difference is, this time I learned my lesson. I didn't want to be friends with anyone anymore. Suddenly, everyone was suspect to me, even friends I'd had for years that had no dealings with anyone at all in a playgroup. My therapist had been not so gently trying to warn me about the bizarre dynamics of the groups I was involved in, but the truth is, I was reveling in being popular.
It was the first time in my life I was liked and appreciated. Or so I thought. In taking a break from friendships with other women, I realized how many friendships in my life I've deliberately refused. CB2's 5th grade teacher really liked me a lot. She really wanted to be my friend. There were invitations to dinners with her boyfriend and THG. Family events we were invited to. For some reason, I avoided her phone calls until they just stopped coming. She's just one of many women that have made overtures of friendship to me in the last several years that I've rebuffed.
Why is that? I can understand some caution now, after the events of the last year, in forming new friendships, but this was years ago. Now, I don't really have an interest in forming new frienships. I have work, which I really like, and my family. For the first time, that seems to be enough for me. I work with all women and for the most part, I like them, but as far as very close personal friendships, I have no interest in them.
Odd. Especially for me.
posted by Keriann at 11/01/2005 09:38:00 AM comment(s) made:
4
